Bristol humour

We all know Matt Lucas based Vicki Pollard on a girl from Fishponds. I think I might have found details of her escapades....

(these were sent to me by a colleague I worked with in Student Support - Im not saying they are actual cases, but we have heard some strange things in our time!)

A Bristol girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Bristol girl
"10?!" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Bristol girl "its great because if they are out playing in the gurt street I just haves to shout "WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY!", or "WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW!, and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"Oh, that's easy," says the Bristol girl... "I just uses their surnames."

A Bristol girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No," she replies, "this time it's gurt mayonnaise."

A Bristol Girl enters a s*x shop & asks for a v*brator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll takes the gurt red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher madam."

A Bristol girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions."
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Ye."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Im from bleeding 'artcliffe, mate!"

A Bristol girl was driving down the M32 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Alright ar Sharon? I just heard on the gurt news that there's a car goings the wrong way on the gurt M32. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Bristol girl, "There's gurt hundreds of them!"

Another Bristol girl was involved in a serious crash; There's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm gurt paralysed from the waist down!"

A Bristol girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Bristol girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "yer, scuse I mate, I aint being gurt funny or nuffink, but why dooz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva gurt one's got an R on it?"
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Leftfoot" "Blimey", exclaims the Bristol girl,
"So THAT'S why my gurt knickers 'ave got C&A on them."